On Perfectionists

Make Peace with imperfections

Dr. Richard Carlson's advice to the 'Perfectionists':

"Perfectionists do not have lives filled with inner peace.
The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.
Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is,
we are engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have,
we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in
on what's wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontented.

Whether it's related to ourselves – a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect
accomplishment, a few pounds we would like to lose – or some one else's 'imperfections'
– the way someone looks, behaves, or lives his/her life – the very act of focusing on imperfection
pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing
to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with your life.
It's about revealing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean that
you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be
other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence
of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection
in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."

Dr. Carlson's reference to 'perfectionists' reminds one of the story of Procrusteus in Greek mythology,
who seized weary travelers, tied them to a bedstead, and either stretched them or cut off parts of their
body to make them fit in his bed! He had this rigid rule:

If you do not fit right in my bed, you shall be sized to fit!
Substitute 'mind' for 'bed' and you get the perfectionist

The dictionary-meaning for the word "Procrustean" is:

'acting to secure conformity at any cost; drastic or ruthless."

Many perfectionists, lacking in sensitivity, act in the Procrustean mode and corrupt a relationship
through a judgmental attitude about the other person in the relationship. Most are not even aware
that they are guilty of this act and will not accept that they are the cause for the resulting pain.

Many marriages fail due to "incompatibility" - one partner insisting on a "perfect" behavour
by the other. In this context, it is well to remember Khalil Gibran's advice:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but each one of you be alone --

     Even as the strings of a lute are alone
     though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart:
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.