On Perfectionists

Make Peace with imperfections

Dr. Richard Carlson's advice to the 'Perfectionists':

"Perfectionists do not have lives filled with inner peace.
The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other.
Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is,
we are engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have,
we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in
on what's wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontented.

Whether it's related to ourselves – a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect
accomplishment, a few pounds we would like to lose – or some one else's 'imperfections'
– the way someone looks, behaves, or lives his/her life – the very act of focusing on imperfection
pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing
to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what's wrong with your life.
It's about revealing that while there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean that
you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be
other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence
of your judgment, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection
in all areas of your life, you'll begin to discover the perfection in life itself."

Dr. Carlson's reference to 'perfectionists' reminds one of the story of Procrusteus in Greek mythology,
who seized weary travelers, tied them to a bedstead, and either stretched them or cut off parts of their
body to make them fit in his bed! He had this rigid rule:

If you do not fit right in my bed, you shall be sized to fit!
Substitute 'mind' for 'bed' and you get the perfectionist

The dictionary-meaning for the word "Procrustean" is:

'acting to secure conformity at any cost; drastic or ruthless."

Many perfectionists, lacking in sensitivity, act in the Procrustean mode and corrupt a relationship
through a judgmental attitude about the other person in the relationship. Most are not even aware
that they are guilty of this act and will not accept that they are the cause for the resulting pain.

Many marriages fail due to "incompatibility" - one partner insisting on a "perfect" behavour
by the other. In this context, it is well to remember Khalil Gibran's advice:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but each one of you be alone --

     Even as the strings of a lute are alone
     though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart:
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

The right attitude towards work and its result

Life is a series of transactions each of which commences with certain motivations,
that change during different stages of our lives.
Adi Sankara has referred to this aspect of our life in Bhaja Govindam, sloka-7:,

baalastaavat kriidaasaktaH taruNastaavat taruNii saktaH
vruddhastaavat chintaasaktaH parame bramhaNi ko.pi na saktaH

बालस्तावत्क्रीडासक्तः तरुणस्तावत् तरुणी सक्तः
वृद्धस्तावत् चिन्ता सक्तः परमे ब्रम्हणि कोऽपि न सक्तः

In boyhood one is obsessed with play;
in youth one is obsessed with young women and
in old age one is immersed in worries;
yet no one is ever devoted to the supreme Lord.

It is normal human behaviour to want to succeed in all transactions
and be saddened, disappointed by failures.
The worries due to failures accumulate to form a great burden in old age;
People die disappointed with their lives.

Our lives need not necessarily be like this,
if we remember Purandara Dasar's advise
about the source of such sadness, namely - expectation.
In one of his kritis, he states:
aasaigal eshto / niraasaigal inneshto
The more your expectation, much more will be your disappointments!
Work without expectations and receive the results as His prasadam.

Ramana Maharishi too advises us similarly
to change our attitude towards work and its results.
"Let us work sincerely and efficiently, not merely for our sake
but for the sake of others too with this mental attitude:

i) Ishvararpitam na icchayaa krutam citta shodhakam mukti daayakam
ii) jagataIshadhI yukta sevanam"

His prescription for perennial happiness is simple:
Consider all work as ordained by Him, not by your desires.
Let the end-result be for the benefit of all, not just for yourself.
If you undertake any task with this attitude
and work efficiently with devotion to the Master,
where then is cause for dissatisfaction?

sarvam sri krishnarpanamastu.

Prayer and Desire

In times of distress, we pray to God for relief. We seek His blessings for success in our ventures or removal of obstacles. Many feel that prayer should be a natural outpouring for our love and devotion to the Lord, without any seeking for such worldly benefits for ourselves. The doubt has been clarified in Bhagavad-Gita and also in the Puranic accounts of devotees like Gajendra and Draupadi calling for His help when in dire distress. Lord Krishna has said - (sloka:VII-16):

चतुर्विधा भजन्ते मां जनाः सुकृतिनो.अर्जुन
आर्तो जिज्ञासुरर्थार्थी ज्ञानी च भरतर्षभ

chaturvidhaa bhajante maam janaah sukrutinorshabha
aarto jignyaasurarthaarthii gnyaanii cha bharatarshabha (Gita: 7-16)

People who are pious in actions, who have meritorious Karmas to their credit and who resort to me and worship me, belong to four groups:

(i) The 'distressed' - those who have lost their health, position in life and their wealth, and are otherwise in difficulties; for example, Gajendra, Draupadi.
(ii) Seeker of wealth - who crave for money, wife, children, position, name and fame. for instance,Sugriva, Vibhishana
(iii) Seeker of knowledge' -who wish to acuire knowledge to realise the real nature of the self (in its pure state) as an entity different from the Prakrti.
(iv) And the Gnyanis, the wise, who have realised that it is the essential nature of the self to find happiness only as the Sesha (subsidiary or liege) of the Lord and wish to surrender to the Lord.

Let us lead our lives with constant devotion to God and seek His assistance and guidance when we feel helpless after all efforts. Surrender to His Will and our Bhakti spirit will surely purify the motive in due course.

In a different context, Tennyson in Morte D'Arthur wrote about the power of prayer and
advised that we should pray for others as well:

Pray for my soul.
More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.
Wherefore, let thy voice Rise like a fountain for me night and day.
For what are men better than sheep or goats
That nourish a blind life within the brain,
If, knowing God, they lift not hands of prayer.
Both for themselves and those who call them friend?

On the interval between thoughts

There is not a moment that we are without thoughts in our mind.
It appears as if we have no control over the chattering mind, yet we
imagine we are free thinkers with complete control over the thinking process.
J. Krishnamurti advises us to observe our thinking when we will find:

"If you watch very carefully, you will see that though the
response, the movement of thought, seems so swift,
there are gaps, there are intervals between thoughts.
Between two thoughts there is a period of silence
which is not related to the thought process.

If you observe you will see
that that period of silence,
that interval, is not of time;
the discovery of that interval,
the full experiencing of that interval,
liberates you from conditioning—
or rather it does not liberate 'you'
but there is liberation from conditioning.

It is only when the mind is not giving continuity to thought,
when it is still with a stillness that is not induced,
that is without any causation—
it is only then that there can be freedom from the background.

Why I am ignorant of my real 'I'

The mind is invisible but the body is visible.
Hence our identification and association with the body is so deep
that we tend to see ourselves as body alone. [...]

The 'I' we are associated with, is the illusionary 'I'.
The 'I' we know has more to do with mind or body
but our real 'I' remains obscure.
What an irony that the I doesn't know the 'I'!

Knowing oneself is the first step towards making good rapport
not only with one's own mind and body but also with the other.

This other can be husband, wife, mother, father, brother or anyone.
Once we have understood how our mind functions,
and as we witness the rise and fall of emotions in mind,
we are better equipped not to get carried away with these waves of mind.
-- Anandmurti Gurumaa

Source: http://tow.charityfocus.org/?tid=567

Read also: "Where is I"

Investigating Untrue Thoughts

I have never experienced a stressful feeling that wasn't caused by attaching to an untrue thought. Behind every uncomfortable feeling, there's a thought that isn't true for us. "The wind shouldn't be blowing." "My husband should agree with me." We have a thought that argues with reality, then we have a stressful feeling, and then we act on that feeling, creating more stress for ourselves. Rather than understand the original cause - a thought - we try to change our stressful feelings by looking outside ourselves. [...]
Investigating an untrue thought will always lead you back to who you are. It hurts to believe you are other than who you are, to live any story other than happiness. If you put your hand into the fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: when your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don't have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it. Before the thought, you weren't suffering; with the thought, you're suffering; when you recognize that the thought isn't true, again there is no suffering. [...]
Inquiry is a way to end confusion and to experience internal peace, even in a world of apparent chaos. Above all else, inquiry is about realizing that all the answers we ever need are always available inside us. Inquiry is more than a technique: it brings to life, from deep within us, an innate aspect of our being. When practiced for a while, inquiry takes on its own life within you. It appears whenever thoughts appear, as their balance and mate. This internal partnership leaves you free to live as a kind, fluid, fearless, amused listener, a student of yourself, and a friend who can be trusted not to resent, criticize, or hold a grudge. Eventually, realization is experienced automatically, as a way of life. Peace and joy naturally, inevitably, and irreversibly make their way into every corner of your mind, into every relationship and experience. The process is so subtle that you may not even have any conscious awareness of it. You may only know that you used to hurt and now you don't.
--Byron Katie

Living on expectation.

Living on expectation.

We’re all playing around the idea central to Henry James’s novella, “Beast in the Jungle.” The protagonist is gripped by the idea that something will happen in his life. That is his greatest anticipation and greatest apprehension.:

'Something will happen in my life'.

Isn’t that the unspoken kernel driving most of our lives, until that day when we actually understand that that something has already taken place, and the rest of our days are spent figuring out:

"What is it that happened to my life?"— Posted by Sue (June 15 2008) in NY Times, commenting on Judith Warners' article: Midlife crisis averted -

http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/06/19/midlife-crisis-averted/#comments